Of God, honesty, and 2015

I have a friend who doesn't know God. Being an American, of course she has heard the name, but she doesn't actually know who he is. During a conversation with her last week, I realized that her picture of God is an angry, dominating Being who is, quite unfortunately, all-powerful, and therefore always gets his way.

It hurt to talk to her. And I thought about how I once called God "Suppressor" in a bleeding-heart honest moment when I gave up on being churchy and finally told him how it was. And it was like he gave a huge sigh of relief that we were finally being honest with each other, and from that moment on, my relationship with him went from "the-church-says-You're-great-so-I-guess-it's-true" to "holy-cow-I-can't-believe-You're-for-real."

Speaking of God and honesty, I'm not gonna lie: 2015 has been a really tough year for our family. From the very early birth of our little Colter (so thankful for him!), to a long recovery from severe preeclampsia and a c-section, to the 19 times we kissed our preemie goodnight and drove away from the NICU in tears, it was a journey we were not exactly ready for. Then, on our anniversary in May, Warren got kicked in the knee by a horse and ripped up a bunch of important ligaments and severed his ACL. The specialist said 6 weeks off work (actually, to continue the honesty trend, he said surgery with 6 months off work, but the laughs we gave him produced plan B). Being self-employed in the horse industry, "6 weeks off work" doesn't mean a couch potato vacation while cashing in on some workman's comp. There's still hay to be bought, horses to feed, stalls to clean, customers to explain to, rent to be paid, hay to be bought, insurance premiums to keep up on, employees to manage, and did I mention hay to be bought? The we're-being-smart Dave Ramsey emergency fund lasted as long as a flake of hay at chore time in a barn full of hungry horses (no, seriously). And the accident insurance policy? Apparently that was not as generous as we were led to believe.

One day the stress hit a max. We were preparing to move to a new house and barn, which had been planned for several months, but just happened to come up on us in the middle of the chaos. We were trying to move horses down to the new place (which would save us a considerable amount of the already severely limited funds), and the pickup began to run out of fuel. Warren asked and I said no, there wasn't even enough available for a gallon of diesel to get us there.

There's something that happens in a person when you are no longer in control of the basics, and the taken-for-granted things can't be taken for granted anymore. A sort of paradigm shift; a change of perspective; a new attentiveness toward people around you who may look like they're doing fine when they're not at all.

My friend would say this low was a classic case of God on a power trip. But you haven't heard the rest of the story!

A family member came to visit and left money on the table for groceries. And I cried. We got a random call from someone asking if we needed help, and they showed up with food and a very sacrificial-for-their-budget monetary gift to give us a boost (yes, I cried again). New tires were put on our pickup. The computer I use to run the bookkeeping business completely died, and it was replaced. I had been saving for a year to have some extra to buy household things when we moved out of our one bedroom apartment to a five bedroom farmhouse, but all of those funds were used up (there was hay to be bought!). One afternoon another family member showed up with an entirely new set of dishes, silverware, pillows, and several small kitchen appliances as a housewarming gift. Someone bought us a fridge. A bookkeeping client tacked on a bonus. A friend cleaned stalls so we wouldn't have to pay an employee. Someone from our church gave us eggs, another person bought us tickets to a rodeo so we could have a night out, and our lawn was mowed for two months when we didn't own a lawnmower. A family member asked us to name a bill that was causing stress, and then paid it. Another random check in the mail paid our insurance deductible, filled our fridge and paid our first month's rent. The new house landlords told us to choose new carpet and do all the painting we wanted and charge the supplies to them (aka, I'm now a spoiled brat living in a house that's customized to my exact taste, only a mile from the new barn, and I have enough closets to play hide-and-seek with a whole passel of nieces and nephews without anyone having to share). The church's baby shower has carried us almost a year without buying diapers. And don't even get me started on the family who put up a brand new barn for us, found us the house we now live in, constantly ask us how they can improve the property, and help with a large variety of things, all in the name of "we want you to succeed." (Crying again.)

I'll try not to be a bore by making this an exhaustive list.

My friend? The one who believes God is angry, dominate, and tragically completely in control? I hope she comes to church with us someday. Not because I think she "needs to go to church" -- no, because I want her to meet God for real. The one who makes dependence on him a compliment, who takes lack of control and makes it abundance, who hears every single desire and completely cares.

Suppressor?          Supporter.

Angry?                 Abundant.

Dominant?           Delighting.

Controller?           Cherisher.

All-powerful?       All-providing.

Trust me, I know.

Take that, 2015!