I have a
friend who doesn't know God. Being an American, of course she has heard the
name, but she doesn't actually know who he is. During a conversation with her
last week, I realized that her picture of God is an angry, dominating Being who
is, quite unfortunately, all-powerful, and therefore always gets his way.
It hurt to
talk to her. And I thought about how I once called God "Suppressor"
in a bleeding-heart honest moment when I gave up on being churchy and finally
told him how it was. And it was like he gave a huge sigh of relief that we were
finally being honest with each other, and from that moment on, my relationship
with him went from
"the-church-says-You're-great-so-I-guess-it's-true" to
"holy-cow-I-can't-believe-You're-for-real."
Speaking
of God and honesty, I'm not gonna lie: 2015 has been a really tough year for
our family. From the very early birth of our little Colter (so thankful for
him!), to a long recovery from severe preeclampsia and a c-section, to the 19
times we kissed our preemie goodnight and drove away from the NICU in tears, it
was a journey we were not exactly ready for. Then, on our anniversary in May,
Warren got kicked in the knee by a horse and ripped up a bunch of important
ligaments and severed his ACL. The specialist said 6 weeks off work (actually,
to continue the honesty trend, he said surgery with 6 months off work, but the
laughs we gave him produced plan B). Being self-employed in the horse industry,
"6 weeks off work" doesn't mean a couch potato vacation while cashing
in on some workman's comp. There's still hay to be bought, horses to feed,
stalls to clean, customers to explain to, rent to be paid, hay to be bought,
insurance premiums to keep up on, employees to manage, and did I mention hay to
be bought? The we're-being-smart Dave Ramsey emergency fund lasted as long as a
flake of hay at chore time in a barn full of hungry horses (no, seriously). And
the accident insurance policy? Apparently that was not as generous as we were
led to believe.
One day
the stress hit a max. We were preparing to move to a new house and barn, which
had been planned for several months, but just happened to come up on us in the
middle of the chaos. We were trying to move horses down to the new place (which
would save us a considerable amount of the already severely limited funds), and
the pickup began to run out of fuel. Warren asked and I said no, there wasn't
even enough available for a gallon of diesel to get us there.
There's
something that happens in a person when you are no longer in control of the
basics, and the taken-for-granted things can't be taken for granted anymore. A sort of paradigm shift; a change of perspective; a new attentiveness toward people around you who may look like they're doing fine when they're not at all.
My
friend would say this low was a classic case of God on a power trip. But you
haven't heard the rest of the story!
A family
member came to visit and left money on the table for groceries. And I cried. We
got a random call from someone asking if we needed help, and they showed up
with food and a very sacrificial-for-their-budget monetary gift to give us a
boost (yes, I cried again). New tires were put on our pickup. The computer I
use to run the bookkeeping business completely died, and it was replaced. I had
been saving for a year to have some extra to buy household things when we moved
out of our one bedroom apartment to a five bedroom farmhouse, but all of those
funds were used up (there was hay to be bought!). One afternoon another family
member showed up with an entirely new set of dishes, silverware, pillows, and
several small kitchen appliances as a housewarming gift. Someone bought us a
fridge. A bookkeeping client tacked on a bonus. A friend cleaned stalls so we
wouldn't have to pay an employee. Someone from our church gave us eggs, another
person bought us tickets to a rodeo so we could have a night out, and our lawn
was mowed for two months when we didn't own a lawnmower. A family member asked
us to name a bill that was causing stress, and then paid it. Another random
check in the mail paid our insurance deductible, filled our fridge and paid our
first month's rent. The new house landlords told us to choose new carpet and do
all the painting we wanted and charge the supplies to them (aka, I'm now a
spoiled brat living in a house that's customized to my exact taste, only a mile
from the new barn, and I have enough closets to play hide-and-seek with a whole
passel of nieces and nephews without anyone having to share). The church's baby
shower has carried us almost a year without buying diapers. And don't even get
me started on the family who put up a brand new barn for us, found us the house
we now live in, constantly ask us how they can improve the property, and help
with a large variety of things, all in the name of "we want you to
succeed." (Crying again.)
I'll try
not to be a bore by making this an exhaustive list.
My friend?
The one who believes God is angry, dominate, and tragically completely in
control? I hope she comes to church with us someday. Not because I think she
"needs to go to church" -- no, because I want her to meet God for
real. The one who makes dependence on him a compliment, who takes lack of
control and makes it abundance, who hears every single desire and completely
cares.
Suppressor? Supporter.
Angry? Abundant.
Dominant? Delighting.
Controller? Cherisher.
All-powerful? All-providing.
Trust me,
I know.
Take that,
2015!
